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Commitment. I wonder what it means to people. I've heard about people waking up one day and realizing they don't love the other person anymore. These are Christian people too, and they end up getting a divorce. Yesterday I learned about a friend's significant other who has expressed doubts about compatibility, but who had promised to accept my friend completely when they started dating. Two days ago, I learned that my relative's colleagues and staff started disrespecting him ever since he announced his imminent retirement. For his birthday, they did not even bother to celebrate as in years past.

I've known all along that people can be rather horrible, and am acutely aware of this in myself. The things I rail against exist within. It just pains me so when things like this happen to people I care about. I've often heard that with marriage, at times it's nothing but commitment that will help it last. I wonder, why can't commitment be equally valued in a dating relationship or friendship? 

Before marriage, we tell people that it's fine to have high standards for someone (I admit, I have done this myself). However, is this fair? Doesn't it seem rather selfish… to be focused on finding someone who fulfills our needs and desires? (Not that needs are not important.) Are we really entitled to anything? Or before marriage, we accept that anything could be a valid reason for ending things. "Oh, because I sense this from God." "I am too tired to deal with us." "I'm not sure anymore if it's worth it."  But commitment is closely tied into selflessness. It's about remaining dedicated even if one is frustrated. It's about placing the other above oneself. It's about serving even when it's not convenient. It's about staying true to one's word to be committed (otherwise, better not say it at all!).

Recently, I even made a list of my "must-haves" and "would-likes," with 10 qualities in the 1st category and over 20 in the 2nd. :) A friend warned me it seemed like I was looking for the perfect guy. Haha, perhaps. But now the only two things that I'd want is someone who accepts me fully and who still chooses to remain committed. Of course, being with someone characterized by humility, kindness, or honesty would be wonderful, but those traits would be nice bonuses.

I realize that I am afraid of commitment, this fear intensified even more by these recent events. What I want most is to feel completely accepted, but I wonder whether that is realistic. How can I fully trust that he won't just change his mind about me someday? Or trust his "I love you" after we've had a fight? (Does it just have to be proven over time?) Even if a marriage vow seems to be a sufficient safeguard, for some people that is not enough. True love must be a wondrous miracle then. Maybe this is an area where complete trust and faith must enter.

So while what has happened has made me contemplate on how selfish and evil we can be, I also realize it points to a need for a god who came to redeem all this. As I'm at a critical juncture in my faith and want to find some authenticity for it, it's good I'm realizing this. To buoy my spirits, what I can do is to think to the friendships and relationships that have lasted and continue to thrive. If I look for reason to despair, I will find it. If I look for reason to hope, I will find it as well, no?

I will be going to Wharton in the fall!

I found out last Thursday and I made my decision on Friday. :) This may come to a surprise to some of you who know how much time I spent agonizing over all the schools. For example, my top three choices rotated frequently. Most days Wharton was actually not among them. So it is ironic that it became my top choice and that I'm now very excited about going.

Ultimately, my decision was based on reason and practicality, which I'm rather happy about because I normally make decisions based on feelings and I am a strong idealist and dreamer. So when I was accepted into Northwestern's JD-MBA program, I was tempted to go there so I could ultimately be an agent of social justice. The JD would be difficult to pass up. But I still harbored doubts about its necessity, especially given the dual degree tuition would double an MBA's. Then I heard from Wharton.

I realized that as much as I want to influence developing economies or engage in social enterprise efforts or consult for USAID or the World Bank, I should think more practically. I need to work with what is certain. That would be my public health background and my short-term goals of healthcare management. It became obvious that Wharton would be the best school for that - it has a leading healthcare mgmt program and has ties to industries that I'd want to work in, including NGOs and pharma companies. I realized, making little concrete steps in my area of influence is the most that I can do at this time. When other opportunities open in the future, maybe then I can go save the world! ;) In the meantime, I will be sure to not lose my vision or sacrifice my ideals.

I'm especially relieved that the 3+ months that I spent working on my applications and waiting have come to an end. It has been a journey marked with stress and uncertainty, introspection and discovery. I am especially thankful to all of you who provided such support! Now if you're ever in Philadelphia, let me know and we'll get together over a yummy cheesesteak! And for those in Atlanta, thinking about how I'll be leaving in several months makes me sad and regard you with such fondness. I already miss you.